Lunatics

May 11, 2003 — Only a lunatic would be writing an essay on Mother's Day you say. Well, my Bride and I felt a strong urge to share the following with you. The fellow who wrote the letter is known to me to be an honest attorney. Honest possum! We've had many exchanges of mail but this is a classic.

If this particular gentleman was not the author of this letter I would have bet it was written by a joke writer from Saturday Night Live rather than a respected trial lawyer.

He has a reverence for the US Constitution as written. I have read his legal arguments concerning the second amendment to the Constitution and they are right on point. His views parallel those of James Madison, father of the second amendment.

I would ask that you reply to this mailing and inform us whether you think the following is a weak attempt at humor (because good humor requires a touch of believability) or "only in Massachusetts" material.

Please read it twice because you will be too stunned to reply after merely one reading. This will be at the center of my show next Saturday morning on WRKO (barring another 9/11 type incident):

"For any remaining nonbelievers who may have any lingering doubts about our government's conspiracy to relieve us of our Second Amendment - Brace yourselves:

Hi Moe:

How's that for a dramatic introduction?

Well, I had to pass this one along. I was in Dedham District Court Friday waiting for my case to be called. The case called just before mine was a man who was pleading no contest to the charge of "improper storage of a firearm" (the type of charge generally brought when your son brings your gun to show and tell). So here's the catch:

The facts of the case were that the man went into a police station to report a burglary of his home. Among the articles stolen was his firearm, which he kept in a padlocked duffle bag, which itself was hidden in his home. So...

THEY ARRESTED HIM.

Now the thieving criminals that broke into his home have his gun (assuming they figured the combination or cut open the bag), and he has a criminal record for not preventing them from breaking into his home and stealing his property, and from making the final fatal mistake of being a good citizen and reporting it to our police.

(Hmm, did I hear a sarcastic snicker in the back of the courtroom from the young thief as he watched his victim being told to report to probation? Can't say I blame him. It would be hard not to laugh watching the guy you stole from getting blamed for being stolen from.)

I followed the man's court appointed attorney out of the courtroom and asked if I heard it all correctly. He replied yeah, basically he got (blanked). I asked what one should do with his weapon in his own house if unloaded in a hidden locked duffle bag isn't enough. He said, "well a firearm really should be kept in a locked safe or a locked chest that is bolted to the floor".

What's wrong with this picture? I can only hope the guy that breaks in my home to rape and/or kill my family is kind enough to let me open my locked chest, and patient enough to let me load my gun.

Thought you would want to know about this one.

XXXXX"

Now, tell me the truth. Is this nuts or is this nuts? The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, in the name of all its citizens is further victimizing a victim. Why should anyone ever rely on Massachusetts courts for justice? What this idiocy suggests is vigilante action. Take the law into your own hands and administer justice to the perpetrators directly. The perp will be punished and the Commonwealth will save the unconscionable amount of money it requires to try some useless miscreant.

What other conclusion could a reasonable person discern from the Commonwealth's decision. A judge with the IQ of at least a moron should have thrown the case out and the prosecutors and police in jail for contempt.

Moe Lauzier is a radio talk show host on WRKO in Boston. He can be heard on Saturday from 5:00 am to 10:00 am.